Worn Out Faces
by MissRecorder
Summary: Pavel has been acting strange. Leonard is very rightly concerned.
1. Chapter 1

Leonard was worried; Pavel had been very quiet lately, very secretive. No matter how many cuddles Leonard tried to give him, Pavel remained silent. Not only did Leonard feel worried, however, he also felt bad. The more distant Pavel became, the more Leonard missed Jim.

That night Leonard couldn't sleep. Alone in his bed, it was Pasha's turn to do the night shift on the bridge, he tossed and turned, his thoughts solely on his boyfriend. Would it be best if the relationship was to end? If Pavel's trust in him had gone, how could it work? After three agonizing hours Leonard couldn't stand it anymore, he got out of bed and went to find his other half. He hazily wandered through the empty corridors and made his way onto the bridge. He began to shiver; lost in his own thoughts Leonard had forgotten to put any layers on his top half. The doors silently slid open, and there, wrapped in a giant blanket, was Pavel Chekov.

Pavel had his back to the door, and had hadn't noticed that anyone had come on board. Leonard went down to sit in Sulu's chair, as Pavel had left the captain's chair unoccupied and was seated in usual spot instead. Pavel turned slowly turned his head. Tears were streaming down his face. "Oh, baby" whispered Bones, "come here". The little Russian slid onto the large lap of Leonard McCoy. The Russian had one leg either side of his boyfriend and his arms wrapped round his neck. Leonard had his arms tightly wound Chekov's waist and the blanket wrapped round their abdomen only knotted them tighter. Pavel rested his head on Leonard's chin, and his whole body shook.

"I'm sorry" whispered Pavel "I'm so sorry." Leonard squeezed him harder, "Baby, it's okay, just tell me what's wrong". Pasha's dark eyes met Leonard's, "I love you, remember that" he whispered. Slowly, he untangled his left arm from the blanket, and, even more slowly, he withdrew his sleeve. There, to Leonard's horror, on Pasha's wrist and forearm, were slits. Some only minutes old. The horizontal blood red lines hardly left any flesh intact.

Tears welled up from within Leonard and poured down his face. This is what had been bothering his baby boy. It certainly explained a lot - like the missing medical supplies. But, dammit, how did he not notice? Did this mean Leonard wasn't good enough?

Leonard tore his eyes away from Pasha's arm and looked back into his eyes. He finally saw the crushing pain and soul destroying anger that Pasha had been hiding.

"I've always loved you' he whispered.

"I know" was the reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Pavel wasn't sure he wanted to be there, in the waiting room. Leonard had made him come to see this psychiatrist, he was sat next to him now. Of the pair only Leonard had previously been to this part of the Enterprise - just once for a brief check-up. Pavel was scared. Was he depressed? What was happening to him? So many questions, but he hated talking too much.

Suddenly, a man was standing in the entrance of the waiting room. He was short, stocky, and had very tightly curled hair. He was a blue shirt, just like Leonard. After giving the two men a warm smile, he offered his hand to Pavel, which he shook. "You can call me Kevin," he said "now, if you'd like to come with me." Before standing up Pavel nervously turned to Leonard, who put a comforting hand on Pavel's thigh. "I will be here where you come out, I promise."

* * *

Timidly, Pavel sat in Kevin's office, dwarfed in a giant, black leather chair. He and Kevin we not separated by the oak desk to their left, but merely by a couple of metres of plain air. Kevin had his legs crossed, and hands in his lap. "Now, anything you say in these sessions will be strictly confidential, unless you give me explicit permission to pass on what you say" he said, very seriously. Without looking up Pavel whispered "Leonard. Tell Leonard, everything". Nodding, Kevin said "Okay, son, whatever you say." Silence fell. Neither man knew what to say. "Martin" said Pavel abruptly, "I want to talk about Martin." Kevin smiled, "Lets start there then."

What was Pavel thinking? This meant a lot talking on his part, it was all going horribly wrong. He started panicking. Struggling to find words, Pavel just sat there, gulping in air. Finally, he managed to blurt out "He was a friend."

"He was a close friend. He was my friend's dad actually. I've known the family since I was four, and I spent a lot of time with them growing up. We'd go on bike rides, camps and stuff. We had a lot of sleep overs, basically, we done a lot of stuff together. I became very close to the entire family, even the extended, but me and Martin got on really well. We'd always be laughing, usually at some awful joke, or some stupid thing that had happened to me. We both really loved laughing. And adventures. The entire Warburton family said I'd become part of the family, and I felt like part of the family to. Martin had almost become a second dad to me. Every time I came round he'd shout my name out so loud and give me a giant hug. I could tell him things, things I couldn't tell my parents. He'd always make me feel better. Always. Then when I was sixteen he died."

Pavel broke off, shocked at how much he'd said. Had he said too much? He felt embarrassed, so just looked at the floor and didn't say any more. "How did he die?" Whispered Kevin, in order not to alarm him. "A brain tumour." Pavel was so close to crying his words were barely a squeak. "Now, Pavel, I've been told you're not always much of a talker, but I trust you spoke to your parents whilst this was all happening?" Pavel shook his head. "No? What did you do Pavel? You must have done something... How did you cope?"

"Well, um" Pavel started awkwardly "I, um, I wrote letters, at first. They'd nearly always be addressed to Martin, and I'd write whatever I wanted. I'd never send them though." Pavel could see that Kevin was slightly confused. "I never sent them because I didn't want people to know how I felt. Me, Martin, and Josh had season tickets together at the football, and because Martin had hardly any short term memory and stuff like that, and I was the oldest, I was always in charge. I had everyone's tickets on me at all times, and I'd be responsible for the phones, keys, making sure everyone was with us, I had to make sure everyone knew the score too. I was the responsible one, even when my dad came along. And because the Warburtons had put trust in me I wanted to seem OK. That, and I didn't want my mum fussing over me."

Pavel was on a roll now, the words kept on tumbling out. Talking wasn't proving as hard as he'd originally thought it'd be. "I think I've still got the letters actually, there aren't many of them though. I kind of lost interest, they just fizzled out. Whilst Martin was ill, but alive, I would occasionally cry at night, in secret, but that was it. Well, the day I went to see Martin in the hospice, for what I knew would be the last time before he died, I cried. I was really fed up that weekend anyway, but then on Sunday mum got a text from Martin's wife basically saying that Martin could go into a coma any day, and seeing as Kathleen was the only one there we could visit. I guess I kinda broke down that day, but still mum and dad didn't talk to me about it. The day Martin died I cried so much, not when I heard the news, but when we got home from visiting the Warburtons. I was lying on my bed and the tears just poured, I think it was because Martin just wasn't in his house, everyone was home and that no longer included Martin. I was so angry, I'd never been that angry before. I pretty much lost control of my body. The same happened the next night, but even worse. It was like an intentional fit. I genuinely thought I was going crazy. I was terrified. I was fine until about a week after the funeral, I got so sad. I started to self harm. I managed to force myself to stop but I, I..." Pavel trailed off, scared he'd sound stupid if he said what he was going to.

"You what, Pavel?"

"I stopped feeling any emotion."

Silence. The two men stared at each other.

"It lasted for a month. I acted normally, as if I felt. But on the inside I just didn't care about anyone, or anything. You're the only one who knows. Eventually I went back to normal, but empathy was a struggle for me for quite a while."

"So, do you believe that any of these past events link to your current state Pavel?"

"It's just that so many people have died, or have nearly died. I was there when Spock's mum died. When Vulcan imploded. Khan." Despairingly, Pavel threw his face into his hands. Through the sobs, Pavel managed to choke out "It's all happening again, to so many people..."

Pasha could feel a pair of strong, but gentle, hands on his writs. Slowly these hands pulled Pavel's hands from his face, and through the tears Pavel could see Leonard crouching on the floor in front of him. Kevin stood in the doorway, watching on. "Not feeling too good, eh?" said Leonard, kindly. "Come here" sighed Leonard, pulling Pavel into a hug.

"It's over now, it's OK" whispered Leonard into Pavel's ear.

"You done amazingly. I'm so proud of you"


End file.
